more on self doubt

In the last episode we had a brief look at self doubt: that negative aspect of the ego, of the sense of self, which can manifest in various ways, different flavours, but always with some common elements. And here, I want to talk about two more of the common characteristics regarding self doubt.

And really these characteristics are common to all of our beliefs including our beliefs about ourself, because one of the fundamental characteristics of the thinking mind is that it likes to know things. It likes a sense of certainty. And so, once we have come to believe something, the mind holds onto it. And that tendency to hold on is coming from the ego, the sense of self. And this causes all sorts of trouble, for whenever life is offering something which opposes our belief, rather than accepting that reality, we fight against it. There is a struggle and it’s unpleasant.

With regard to our self doubt, we will create situations which reinforce the belief. So if we, for example, feel ourself to be unloveable, then we will somehow put ourself in situations where people are not loving us. We will manifest the situations that reinforce our belief, no matter that that belief is negative and is causing misery in our life, still the ego mind would rather hold onto that belief, against all odds, than move into the uncertainty of not knowing.

So this tendency to manifest situations, events, experiences, which confirm our negative beliefs about ourself, this tendency is always there whilst the ego is alive. We will unconsciously create situations that match our belief, and with this comes the certainty. And to the ego, that sense of certainty and continuity is essential, even though it is unpleasant. Even though it turns our life into a misery.

And the second characteristic of the ego mind which I feel to speak about is related, and in a way it is even more tragic. The ability to manifest situations which reinforce our negative beliefs about ourself is bad enough. But the other characteristic of the ego mind is that it can interpret perfectly neutral events in a negative way, again, in order to reinforce the negative beliefs that we hold about ourself. So even if we do not manifest situations which can sustain our self doubt, then we manage to interpret things in life in a way that is consistent with that negative self doubt or image about oneself.

This negative filter which the ego mind applies to life’s events makes it very difficult to shake off these negative beliefs. And even when life is presenting us with a situation which directly confronts our negative self belief, still we fight against it. So for example, if I am feeling myself to be unloveable, and someone expresses an unrestrained, unconditional love for me, it’s a direct challenge to that belief and the chances are I will not receive that love, I will not accept it. I would rather push it away, deny it, than drop my belief that I am unloveable. And this is the great tragedy of these negative beliefs about ourself; that however good life is, we tend not to see it. We don’t allow it. We don’t accept it. We can only accept a misery. We can only accept those things in life which continue our suffering.

And all of this, for what? For some ideas about ourself that came long, long ago and are certainly no longer valid, if ever they were. But rather than just letting go of those beliefs, the ego mind holds on to them and rejects the great delights that existence is showering us with.